Finding Myself After Loss: A Journey Through Grief, Regret, and Redemption
The day I lost my father, Dr. Umanand Prasad, was the day my life spiralled into a darkness I never thought I’d experience. His sudden death in a motor vehicle accident left a void that felt impossible to fill. My father wasn’t just a parent; he was a role model, a source of strength, and a constant presence in my life. When he was gone, I found myself adrift, consumed by grief, anger, and regret.
What followed was a journey of losing myself, making choices I deeply regret, and slowly finding a way back to the person I wanted to be. It wasn’t an easy road, and it’s one I’m still walking. But with the support of my sister, Raji, and my mother, Dr. Uma Prasad, I’ve learned to confront my pain, accept my mistakes, and begin rebuilding my life.
The Unravelling: Losing Myself in Grief
Grief has a way of tearing you apart from the inside out. When my father passed, it wasn’t just his physical absence that hurt—it was the loss of his guidance, his laughter, and his unwavering belief in me. I felt completely untethered, like I had lost the foundation of who I was.
Instead of confronting these feelings, I tried to bury them. I threw myself into distractions—some harmless, others destructive. I lashed out at the people closest to me, angry that the world had taken my father away. I made choices that hurt others and myself, choices that were born out of pain and confusion but left me feeling even more lost.
Looking back, I realise that I was running from my grief. I didn’t know how to sit with the pain, how to process the enormity of my loss. So, I tried to escape it. But grief has a way of catching up with you, and eventually, my actions caught up with me too.
A Wake-Up Call
I got into trouble—serious trouble. It was the kind of trouble that forces you to stop and take a hard look at yourself. For the first time, I couldn’t avoid the consequences of my actions or the reality of the person I had become.
It was a humbling and deeply painful moment. I realised that I didn’t recognise myself anymore. The person I had become—the choices I had made—were so far removed from the values my father had instilled in me and the person I wanted to be. I knew I needed help.
Coming Home to Adelaide
When I returned to Adelaide, I was a broken man. But Adelaide was also where my family was, and their love and support became the foundation for my healing.
My sister, Raji, was the first person to truly see me in my pain. She didn’t judge me for the mistakes I had made or the person I had become. Instead, she listened. She offered compassion when I felt I didn’t deserve it and reminded me of the person I was capable of being.
Raji had always been a source of strength in my life, but during this time, she became my anchor. She helped me see that grief didn’t have to define me, that I could face my pain and come out stronger on the other side. Her encouragement and wisdom were a lifeline, pulling me out of the darkness and guiding me toward the light.
My mother, Dr. Uma Prasad, was another pillar of support. Despite her own grief—losing a husband and a daughter later on—she did everything she could to help me find my way back. She never stopped believing in me, even when I struggled to believe in myself. Her resilience and unconditional love became my motivation to keep going, to become a person who would make both her and my father proud.
The Long Road to Healing
Healing isn’t a straight line. It’s a winding road with ups and downs, moments of progress and setbacks. There are days when I feel like I’m moving forward, and there are days when the weight of my grief and regrets feels as heavy as ever.
I’ve sought professional help to better understand my grief and my responses to it. Therapy has given me the tools to process my emotions and confront the pain I had tried to bury for so long. I’ve also leaned heavily on my family, finding strength in their love and support.
But perhaps the most important part of this journey has been learning to forgive myself. That’s not to say I’ve excused my actions or forgotten the mistakes I made, but I’ve started to accept that those mistakes don’t have to define me. I’m more than the choices I made during my darkest moments, and I have the power to grow and change.
The Lessons Grief Teaches
Through this journey, I’ve learned some hard but important lessons:
Grief is a Process: There’s no timeline for healing, and it’s okay to feel lost for a while. What matters is finding your way forward, one step at a time.
You Need Support: Healing isn’t something you can do alone. Whether it’s family, friends, or professionals, having people to lean on makes all the difference.
It’s Okay to Ask for Help: There’s no shame in admitting you’re struggling. In fact, it’s one of the bravest things you can do.
Forgiveness is Key: Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest but most necessary steps in the healing process. It’s the only way to truly move forward.
Grief Doesn’t End, It Changes: The pain of losing my father will always be a part of me, but it no longer defines me. It’s become a part of my story, not the whole of it.
A Work in Progress
I’m not the person I was before my father passed, and I’m not the person I became in the aftermath of his death. I’m somewhere in between—a work in progress, someone striving to find balance, peace, and purpose.
The journey of healing is ongoing. There are still days when I struggle, days when I feel the weight of my father’s absence or the regret of my past actions. But there are also days of hope—days when I see how far I’ve come and feel proud of the progress I’ve made.
My father’s death was a defining moment in my life, but it’s not the end of my story. With the support of my sister Raji, my mother, and the lessons I’ve learned along the way, I’m finding my way back to the person I want to be. It’s a journey, and I’m still walking it.
