The Struggles of Losing an Older Sister

Losing an older sister is a heartache that defies easy description. It is a journey of loss that stretches beyond the immediate pain, weaving itself into the fabric of daily life in ways I could never have imagined. For me, the loss of my sister, Dheeraji Guterres—though she will always remain Raji Prasad in my heart—has been a profound struggle, one that reshaped how I understand family, memory, and grief.

The Bond of Siblings

Growing up, Raji wasn’t just my sister; she was a second mother, a confidante, and one of my closest friends. She was the one who could read my mood with a glance, who knew just what to say when life felt overwhelming. Our relationship was a blend of teasing, guidance, and unwavering support. I admired her brilliance, her kind heart, and the way she brought light into every room she entered.

Raji was the glue that held so much of our family together. She embodied strength, humour, and wisdom. Losing her was not just the loss of a sibling but the loss of someone who understood me in a way no one else ever could.

The Void She Left Behind

When Raji passed away, it felt like a part of my identity went with her. Grief is a peculiar thing; it doesn’t come in waves or stages as people often describe. For me, it came in fragments—a sudden memory triggered by a song, the ache of seeing her favourite foods, or the emptiness of family gatherings where her laughter used to fill the space.

There are moments when I instinctively reach for the phone to call her, only to remember she’s not there. It’s these small, everyday reminders that sting the most, a constant echo of her absence.

The roles she played in my life—as sister, mentor, and friend—were so numerous that her absence is like a missing thread in the fabric of my being. Every memory feels bittersweet, a mix of gratitude for having had her and the sharp pang of knowing she’s no longer here.

The Struggle with Identity and Legacy

One of the hardest parts of losing Raji has been reconciling who she was to me with the reality that she’s gone. In my mind, she will always be Raji Prasad, the sister who shared my childhood, who helped shape who I am today. Her marriage and the name Guterres didn’t change how I saw her, but it allowed me to show that she still had the strength of the Prasad women behind her.

Her legacy as a mother, psychiatrist, and flute player is something I hold onto dearly. She lived a life filled with purpose and compassion, and yet, there’s a lingering pain in knowing she didn’t get to do all she dreamed of. Balancing the joy of her memory with the sorrow of her loss is a daily struggle—a tug-of-war between celebrating her life and mourning her absence.

Coping with the Loss

Over time, I’ve learned that grief doesn’t diminish; it evolves. The sharp edges soften, but the weight of her absence remains. I’ve sought solace in remembering her as she was—beautiful, kind, funny, and generous. I often think about our childhood trips, like the bus rides to the Pageant in the city, and our Sunday lunches at Mum’s house, where Raji’s laughter made everything brighter.

These memories remind me of her love and the impact she had on my life. They also serve as a reminder to honour her by living fully, by carrying forward the values she held dear, and by being the person she believed I could be.

Moving Forward

Losing Raji has been one of the hardest challenges I’ve ever faced, but it has also taught me profound lessons about love, resilience, and the importance of cherishing the people in our lives. Though she’s no longer here, Raji’s spirit lives on in the way I approach life, in the memories we shared, and in the lessons she taught me.

She will always be my sister, my friend, my guide. And though life will never be the same without her, I am forever grateful for the years we had together. Raji Prasad may no longer walk this earth, but in my heart, she is as present as ever—a reminder of the unbreakable bond we shared and the love that will never fade.